Hey Kid – Are You Stressed? Recognizing Stress in Young Children
Have you ever wondered if your child can possibly feel stressed about things happening around them or are you on the other side of the divide where you sometimes worry that every temper tantrum and tummy ache is a sign of some internal turmoil? Maybe you have vacillated between both over the years. If these thoughts have ever crossed your mind then read on…
WHAT DOES STRESS LOOK LIKE IN A YOUNG CHILD?
Stress looks very different in young children than it does for adults or even older children. While there can be some distinct symptoms, signs, and signals for young children experiencing stress, not every child displaying these symptoms, signs and signals is under the kind of stress that needs intervention. In fact, a little stress can actually be good for you! The “good for you” stress is called eustress and is a very natural and normal feeling that is biologically wired in humans to help keep us motivated, spark creative problem-solving and even keep us safe in some cases. Additionally, experiencing stress and overcoming the challenge can help children feel in control of their destiny and confident in their ability to problem-solve effectively. This leads to healthy, self-reliant adults who can take setbacks in stride.
This doesn’t mean the only option for parents is to ALWAYS step back and watch our little ones wrestle with challenges all on their own. As parents, we can help our children acquire tools they can practice using now. Here is where you take a deep breath and try some of the tips and strategies outlined below to help your little one develop the strategies they need to address the normal ups and downs that life can throw at us all.
SYMPTOMS, SIGNS AND SIGNALS
Complaints of headaches, tummy aches, or generally not feeling well
Feelings of sadness or panic
Acting clingy or withdrawn
Getting angry more easily
Starting fights
Crying or whining, especially in young children with few words to express their feelings
Anxious tics, coughs, or body movements
Reliance on habits like hair chewing or thumb-sucking
CHANGES IN BEHAVIOR
May have trouble sleeping or find it hard to relax
May eat more often or lose interest in food
May grow quieter
Loss of interest in or stop caring about things they usually like to do
Loss of interest in school
May have trouble getting along with family or friends
May begin to behave badly
WHERE YOUNG CHILDREN SAY THEIR STRESS COMES FROM…
Changes like a new school or just starting school, a new home or a new routine
Having too much to do and not enough quiet time
Teasing or bullying
Fighting or arguing among family members, including not getting along well with siblings
Troubles with schoolwork
Being yelled at by family, friends, or teachers
New family dynamics or big changes in the family (this stress can last for a long time - months or even years - so be patient)
Unexpected world events
Feeling lonely and unloved
WHAT TO SAY OR DO…
If you think your child is stressed - just ask, but don’t badger. Sometimes young children truly don’t know why they feel stressed or even recognize that their behaviors are indicating they are stressed! Also, young children may not have the language to express their feelings. If this is the case, just be with your child by offering your undivided attention and try to create space for them to share their feelings with you on their own terms.
Where are the feelings? When children don’t have the words to describe their feelings it can be helpful to ask them where the feelings are located in their body. Ask your child to use their finger to point to where they feel the feelings most. This exercise can help turn the abstract notion of feelings into something a little more concrete. Level up by asking your child if the feeling is hot or cold, has a rhythm like a drum or heartbeat, makes a sound, etc.
If your child is crying, angry, yelling or experiencing another high emotion the first goal is to help them calm down so they can think clearly. You both can take deep breaths, hug, countdown from 10 (or 100, if needed), name favorite foods, or imagine a calming scene like a forest or beach with lots of details like birds, waterfalls, and waves. Anything that keeps the mind in present time will help.
Balloon Breathing - Tell your child to lay down on their back, close their eyes, and place a hand over their belly button. Tell your child to imagine that their belly is like a big balloon. Have your child try to fill the balloon with air by breathing in deeply for a count of four. You count to four while your child inhales. Then tell your child to breathe out slowly until the balloon is completely empty. With practice, your child will be able to do this on their own when needed.
Ask your child how they feel and why they think they are feeling that way.
Ask your child how big they feel the problem is. For children with less language it can be helpful to have them show you with their hands how big the problem feels. Be sure to really listen to the answer!
Help your child think through what they would like to do next. You can give suggestions but let your child lead the problem-solving discussion. Even young children have some really good ideas. If your child chooses the next step they are more likely to do it and feel confident in their problem-solving abilities (even if their first few ideas don’t work). Follow up later to see if it helped. Repeat the process as needed.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
Stick to the schedule. Kids find comfort in a familiar schedule when other things might feel out of control.
Allow for breaks in the day. Everyone needs some down time and this is especially true of young children. Also, make sure that your child is getting enough sleep.
Children 3 to 5 years of age should sleep 10 to 13 hours per 24 hours (including naps) on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
Children 6 to 12 years of age should sleep 9 to 12 hours per 24 hours on a regular basis to promote optimal health.
Share information in a truthful, age appropriate manner. One way to think about this is that you are building an information house for your child. The first bits of information you give are the foundation on which further discussions of the topic will stand. For example, you might say “There is something called a virus out there that is making people really sick. So we are going to enjoy time together as a family in our house while the doctors and scientists work together to find the right medicine. Our family can help by making sure to wash our hands and visit our friends and family using the phone or computer.” Then wait for a response. This will allow your child to guide the discussion with questions, share their own emotions, or move on to another topic or activity.
Always stay matter of fact. Young children will often take their emotional cues from the adults around them. You want to be sure that the emotions they express to you are their own and not something they have internalized from the models around them.
Stay calm and keep things moving. While you definitely want to calmly acknowledge what your child is going through, it is equally as important to keep things moving - Acknowledge, feel the feelings, move on.
Revisit, as needed. We all experience situations with the information and capacity for the feelings we have at that moment in time. We also revisit some previous experiences later in life, relating them to new happenings utilizing our growing capacity to process information and emotions. This is true for young children as well. For example, a young child might display nervousness when a parent is called away on business for a length of time. The child might be reminded of that experience by a future happening (more travel, a book or movie, etc) and want to reflect on it with a more mature mindset, robust vocabulary, and capacity for a greater range of emotions.
Give lots of love and affection. Show your children lots of love and affection through words, snuggles, hugs and kisses.
Do things with your child. Make time to give your child your undivided attention, even 20 minutes a day can go a long way in helping them feel like they belong in the family.
Do things as a family. Engage in exercise (toss a ball, make an obstacle course, take a walk, etc), play a game, cook and eat a meal or talk together. Sharing in fun, exchanging ideas, or bonding over a common interest can relieve stress for all!
Belly laugh! Whether you are laughing at something funny or just engaging in a hearty belly laugh on cue, you and your child will feel less stressed. Laughing and smiling are proven stress relievers.
GET PROACTIVE…
Relax! Sometimes kids just need down time to destress. Make space for your child to listen to music, explore books, play quietly, or explore their surroundings. Doing nothing is fine too!
Build in regular exercise and play time.
Honor sleep - A child (really anyone) who is well rested can better cope with stressors in their day.
Eat nutritious foods - the body can cope with stress better when it is fueled properly.
Spend time with your child just talking.
Model talking about feeling and recognizing different emotions.
Offer plenty of hugs, kisses, and snuggles.
Create a bedtime routine - Ending the day with an expected routine can help your child feel relaxed and secure.
Establish a predictable morning routine that will get the day off to a great start.
Make time for fun and laughter - just a few moments a day can go a long way in preempting stress.
Learn to manage your own stress.
WHAT NEXT?
Young children can be very sensitive to the world around them. This makes sense given that they are developmentally wired to notice even the most minute detail in their environment. It is why modeling and exploration are two of the best teaching tools at this stage. Feeling stress or anxiety can be a part of the stage, as well. For example, we know typical development can include things like separation anxiety and fear of the dark or loud sounds.
You cannot shield your child from stress and hurtful experiences. Nor, would this be a great strategy to even try as you will spend precious energy worrying about what you cannot control. These experiences are a part of life as much as joy, excitement, frustration, contentment, belonging and happiness. Thus, the best defense is a good offense, as they say. Helping your child to learn how to manage what comes at them by modeling resiliency and great coping skills is the way to go. Fortunately, even very young children (no age is too young!) can learn to manage their stress.
If you feel that you have tried all the strategies above and your child’s stress seems beyond the bounds of typical development you may want to reach out to a professional, including a school counselor, school psychologist, pediatrician, therapist, or similar, to consult. Just like you are there for your child, these professionals are there for you!
Ricia Weiner, PhD, NCSP, LPC
Whittle School & Studios, DC Campus
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Ricia Weiner is the Director of Student Support Services at Whittle School & Studios, DC Campus, where she provides social emotional support and education to students, faculty, and families.